Blog @ Canadian Geek

It’s was a good day, yesterday! I saw yet, another path to my destruction, and in seeing it was able to try a new path.

Here’s the vicious cycle I always liked to follow….

*Finish a project, but have not given myself enough time to do so, and end up feeling bad about the project, and myself.

*Put off drawing or growing for awhile because, (a) I’m feeling wiped from having just “run my ass off”, and (b) Feeling rather low about myself as an artist (and therefore as a person). In other words feeling sorry for myself.

*Since being an artist is something that is part of me, and I can’t give it up (I’ve tried), I get back at it again, but there is usually a project or event that is just around the corner, that I need to have art for! (there is also sometimes an connection with the said event coming up, and my drive to ‘get back at it’)

*So………

*I finish a project, but have not given myself enough time to do so, and end up feeling bad about the project, and myself.

This of course needs to stop, and stop it I will.

I was about to run this little path again. I had set up, a deadline of having a book ready for the Pop Culture Fair. That meant doing two pages for every day off work, and finishing a few pages during my time on. This would have given me time to get it lettered and printed (maybe)

One small fact comes into play. I’m not good enough to draw two pages a day yet! (well, I can do it, but there crap! Nothing to hold my head up about) Like so many other times, I had convinced myself that I could do more then I really can. The problem is, I feel all this potential power inside me. I know I will be able to draw two a day,someday. I feel it inside me, but the old maxim rings true. Crawl before you walk, walk before you run. This doesn’t mean I have to go it slow, and weak but it does mean it would be easier to go it in order. I’ve put myself on a page a ‘day off’ schedule, and with that I’ll have more then enough time to get my project, Honor Thy Mother, issue 1, done in time for the Calgary Con.

By slowing myself down a bit, I’ll be able to keep pace, and not burn out. The art I produce will have some quality to it, and therefore I’ll be getting better, and not just faster. (I can bake a 10 cakes in 5 minutes, but they’re not going to taste too good, LOL)
This is the year I have to change, I see others living pleasing and happy lives, while I still am miserable 40 hours a week!

Pay attention to what is going on in your life, and the reasons your making the choices you are. It’s the best way to effect change.

Of course, I’m still groping in the dark here, but it’s the best I have to offer

Bri

…the other day. I have what I call, an “Success to Failure Ratio”! (I believe almost every artist have it, but that’s for them to decide:)) In other words it will take me so many times to draw something before I get it right. This was a huge step in understanding what goes on inside my head as an artist. For years it seemed to me that because I had so much of what I drew being way below the ’success line’ that I thought I was a sucky artist. But of course this is far from true. In fact since my S2F Ratio is much higher then it use to be (I draw less crap now then I use too) , I’m becoming a better artist. I have to work hard to get my success, but it is possible, and maybe even probable:) I’m very shocked that I didn’t come to this conclusion sooner, but talking to my Mom, I always wanted instant success At the age of four, I ripped up a drawing of Elmer Fudd, because it didn’t look like him. (I have not ripped up much recently)LOL

So I have to draw a lot of crap, to get there, but I can draw anything I put my mind too, that doesn’t sound so bad.
Oh the trials and tribulations of the chronic perfectionist

Bri

…..it seems I might be back on track again. I’m finding myself in the proper state of mind to draw, and create. My priorities are straighter then they’ve been in awhile, and all it took was a simple shift of my focus.

To give some of you who don’t know me so well, a little back story, my Dad decided to leave my Mom last year. As an final result, Mom ended up moving in with me. This put a lot of strain on my life at that time. Mom needed a lot of my support, and because she’s my Mom (and I love her :)) I did my best to be there for her. Combined with a new position at work, the falling out with Dad, and trying to still keep up my pursuit of being a full time comics artist, I broke down. I came down with a case of the shingles, which came the time of the San Diego Land Cruise, and that knocked a lot of wind out of my sails. I’ve been feeling a bit adrift for the last 5-6 months. I got caught back into the cycle of “Got to make time to draw”, “Got to get my priorities straight”. These are true statements, but the fact is though, as long as fear, and doubt are ruling my mind, I’ll never be able to make time. The moment that I remembered (how did I forget, I don’t know :)) how much I love working in this medium, my statements changed to “I’ll have to make time to do the dishes.”, “I guess I have to go pay the bills.” When my head is in the right place, I don’t have to try to make time. I just do it.

If I love drawing comics, and really want it, then it’s important to really focus on how much I do love it. Otherwise it’s too easy to get distracted, and then fear and doubt can take over, and suddenly my internal voice is saying “You’d never make it anyway”

Time will tell…..

…hopefully not too much more time, though. lol

Bri